Chapter Nineteen - America
Emmad is manning the counter when I enter, dragging Gray behind me. He beams when he sees me. “Meri, it’s good to see you again.”
His brother, Asaf, glances over his shoulder and gives me a little wave too. “Hungry, beautiful lady?”
“You know it.” I walk up to the counter. “It’s been a long evening.”
“Coming from the club?” Emmad checks out my outfit—that’s mostly Gray’s sweatshirt—and going out heels. “Fun night?”
“So much fun.” I smile up at Gray when he rests his hand on my ass possessively, before scanning the boards on the back wall. “I need two mixed kebabs with extra garlic sauce. Oh and some of your scrummy garlic potatoes. And a couple Fanta.”
“It’s on me.” Gray pulls his wallet out and pays for our meal.
“Your boyfriend?” Emmad asks as Asaf slices meat from the vertical spit.
Gray, my boyfriend? Wouldn’t that be something? But I can’t think about that without thinking about Indy, and it’s a quick spiral down from there that I’d rather not let ruin my night. “We’ll see.”
“You look good together. This one is much better than that other one.” Emmad scoops servings of potato to go with our kebabs.
“Other one?” Gray asks. “Mann?”
“My professor,” I say awkwardly.
“He was too old for you,” Emmad continues, oblivious to the fact that there’s a six year age difference between me and Gray.
It’s a lot less than I had with Alfie, who was in his forties. It’s not much at all, until you factor in that I’m still formulating who I want to be while Gray knows exactly who he is.
I roll my eyes at Emmad. “I know.”
“He was too stuffy. Rude.” He turns to Gray. “She’s a queen. You treat her like one. Or you’ll have Türk mafyası to contend with.”
“Çok teşekkürler.” I beam at Emmad as I press on tiptoes to kiss Gray’s cheek. “But you don’t have to worry about this one.”
“I hope that was something nice,” Gray says.
“I just expressed my gratitude at him threatening to send the Turkish mafia after you if you hurt me.” Grinning, I pick up our food and leave him slack-jawed at the counter.
He catches up to me as I place it on one of the small tables set out for customers. “Hang on. Are you serious? Your kebab guys are connected to the mafia?”
“I have no idea.” I shrug as I sit down and tear off the lid on the garlic potatoes. Digging into them, I fork a huge bite into my mouth. “So you better not hurt me. Just in case.”
“You’re a mess.” He leans across the table and wipes away a little of the creamy sauce that stuck to my lip while I mumbled with my mouth full. “But I’ll make you a deal. I’ll be careful with you, and you will be careful with me.”
“Deal.”
He sits back and rips the wrapping from his kebab before taking a bite. The juice from the meat and the tangy sauce dribbles down his chin. “Shit.”
“Who’s the mess now?” I grin from ear to ear.
“Funny.” Grabbing a napkin he wipes his mouth, his eyes filled with warmth.
Relaxed Gray hasn’t been around in a while. I missed him. It’s good to see him not so serious. Not so burdened.
“So you brought your creep of a professor here?” He stretches his legs out under the table, his feet close enough that our ankles touch while we eat.
“Just once.” I pick up my drink and try to twist the cap off the bottle. “Our one and only time we spent time together outside of his office.”
He’d wanted to see what my life was like. It sucks that the ghost of his presence is tarnishing one of my favorite eateries.
“And yet he found you today?” Gray asks.
“Silks is close to his favorite book shop. We crossed paths a few times.” Damn, so many regrets tied up in my time with that man. In hoping the connection we shared in our common interest in languages could be more. Letting him make me feel special. “I knew he wasn’t going to be anything serious, but it felt nice to have someone with similar interests to talk to.”
“Talk to?” He raises one brow.
“One thing led to another.” I’m still not quite sure how. “Talking turned into flirting which turned into making out in his office.”
Getting on my knees because he asked nicely. He was the only person I’d connected to outside of Dove since I moved here. I convinced myself that dating him was a good idea. Or at least not the worst idea.
It was better than him being cold with me.
The idea of being on the outside makes me panicky. My hands grow clammy even now, and it’s been four months since I walked away. “As humiliated as the whole experience ended up being I was almost glad when I found out he was married. I can’t date a man with a wife. That’s black and white to me. Meeting his wife was the push that I needed to distance myself.”
“Here.” He holds out his hand and when I pass the bottle, he pops that lid off with one twist.
“Thanks.” My stomach flips but the panic subsides. He probably doesn’t even realize that something so small makes me feel taken care of. I sip at the orange soda. “You still don’t want to tell me that I’m a dumbass?”
“I want to report the guy to the university board. They and his wife should be made aware of his behavior. That way even if he keeps his job, he’ll be forced to pay for it on a personal level. But it’s your decision, Rica. You tell me what you want to do, and I will support you.” He picks up my hand and presses his lips against the back of my knuckles. “You know I will.”
“Well, actually…” I don’t mean to drop him in it, but he did give me the perfect opportunity. “I’ve decided to withdraw from my classes.”
“You have?” A shadow flickers in his eyes. His jaw bulges, but he lets whatever causes the tension —disappointment, anger?—go quickly.
“I don’t know what my future looks like.” Bunching my hands around the hem of the sweatshirt I’m wearing, I tug it down my legs a little more. Do I continue working at the coffee shop? Go home? Try to finish my doctorate? Or something else entirely. “But I have to go in and sign the paperwork. Make it official.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“Would you? I don’t think he’ll try to approach me if you’re with me.” My desire to not have to face him has made me put off unenrolling long enough.
“When do you want to go?”
“Sometime next week. The sooner the better, probably.”
“Then we’ll go Monday. And if you want to stop by his wife’s office and let her know why you’re pulling out, I’ll be right there with you for that too.”
Am I a terrible person for wanting to call Indy and thank her for letting go of him so that I could have this time with him? Probably. It’s not something I will do because it would cause her pain. But I am grateful to her because he is everything I have wanted for so long.
When we are done eating Gray scoops up the trash and tosses it. He wraps his arm around me as we hit the pavement.
It’s super late now and as much as the idea of going back to Gray’s bed sounds like heaven… “I should head home.”
He drives me back to my little flat. He seems awkward and fidgety as we sit out front in his warm car. “Do you want me to—”
“I don’t think so.” I purse my lips. “I need to talk to Everett in the morning. Tell him…”
Gray’s thumb starts to tick against the steering wheel. His upper lip twitches into a sneer. It’s almost as if something smells rotten, but there’s only my perfume and his cologne.
I wrinkle my nose. “What?”
“I don’t want to be this guy.”
“What guy?” My heart sinks. It was nice while it lasted.
He reaches across the gear stick and covers my hand while he swallows uncomfortably. “The one that asks you not to break up with him until I’ve signed him.”
I twist in my seat. “What the—”
“I need to sign him.”
“I know.” I unclip my seatbelt and climb out of the car.
“No, you don’t know.” He jumps out and makes eye contact with me over the roof of the vehicle. “I have to sign Everett Mann. If I don’t, I’ll lose my job.”
That doesn’t make sense. Gray was the MVP of the agency for years. He singlehandedly brought in a dozen superstar athletes. He has awards. He showed them off behind his desk. I saw them when I stopped in with Indy a few times. Surely this can’t be right. “But you have Bryce Manilow and Mikey Valance and—”
“All-Star has Manilow and Valance.” His voice rises and becomes strained. “I lost them when I went off the rails. I’m on probation. If Mann doesn’t sign, I don’t have a job. I barely survived Indy leaving me. My job is the one thing I have left. That I’m good at. If they fire me, I’ll have nothing left. Believe me if there were any other way—”
I don’t even factor. Of course I don’t. Because what we have isn’t emotional. For him. I cover my face with both my hands. “This is what I get for screwing my best friend’s ex. For sneaking around with you. I’m a terrible person. You’re asking me to be a cheater?”
“You’re not.” Coming around the car, he peels my hands from my face. Wraps an arm around my shoulders and buries his face in my hair. “You’re not his girlfriend. He’s a flavor of the week kind of guy.”
“Now wait a minute.” I push him away. “Just because we don’t have a future, doesn’t mean that Everett doesn’t want one with me. You keep insisting he’s a player—”
“Because he is,” he crosses his arms over his chest.
“Well, I don’t see him that way.” Sure, he’s friendly when women come up to talk to him. He’s flirty as he gives out autographs and lets them take selfies. But being friendly is part of his job. It’s not sleazy or bad like Gray is making out.
I was the one who suggested we keep our relationship on the downlow. “He doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.”
“You’re not cheating on him,” he says, hard and clipped.
“Feels like it.” I laugh. It’s a little unhinged. “Which is why I can’t believe you, of all people, are asking me to do this.”
“I’m not asking you to string him along. Or be his girlfriend. Just don’t tell him that you don’t want to see him anymore yet. Give me time to work out how to handle this.”
“You’re asking me to lie to him.” I press my fingers to my temple. This is crazy. Getting caught up in him is crazy. I shake my head, knowing if I could go back to Positano and avoid the first night we spent together I would still do everything exactly the same way.
“I just need a few more days. A week at most.” He follows me up the garden path to my front door. “He’ll sign. Especially if you encourage him.”
“This isn’t okay, Gray. It isn’t fair.” I can’t seem to find my keys. And I’m already running scripts in my head of the conversation I’ll need to have with Everett tomorrow. Already certain that I will not betray Gray no matter how mad I am at him.
“I need this job, Rica. And he’ll be over you in no time.”
Ouch. I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Really? You want to insult me right now?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“He’s the one who wanted me to be his girlfriend.” I resume the hunt for my keys. Seriously, this bag isn't a Mary Poppins carpet bag. It’s tiny. I have ChapStick and loose change and my ID in here. Where are they? “Not you. Him.”
“America, please—”
“I need my meds upped to deal with you.” Ah, there they are. I yank the keys out of my clutch.
“Meds?” Gray’s baby blues grow concerned as I unlock and open the door.
“Things haven’t been great since… that thing we don’t talk about,” I admit. “I don’t know why. I have nothing to complain about. But the doc thinks I’m mildly depressed so I’m on mood stabilizers.”
He wraps an arm around my waist and holds my back to his chest. His chin rests in my hair. “Your best friend was dying. It was traumatic and painful and there was nothing you could do. You have every reason not to be okay.”
“Do I?” When she was the one that was dying. And he’s the one who had his heart shattered.
I’m so glad that she didn’t die. I’m so grateful every single time I get to pick up the phone and hear her voice. But that makes it feel like I should just be happy. Not guilty for being sad. Or feeling isolated and lonely. Or doing something that will hurt her. Like sleeping with Gray.
“Yes, Rica.” He drags in a big breath. His chest deflates against my back. The warmth of it surges over my scalp. “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
I want to relax into his arms and never leave them. I want to let him carry the heaviness in my heart. He said he would learn to deal with hearing about her for me.
Apparently, all I have to do is lie to Everett. Hurt him. But I can’t do that anymore than I can let Gray down. I can’t be the reason people I care about aren’t happy. I would rather be the collateral damage than hurt either of them. Everett means something to me too.
What Gray is asking is too much. After what happened with Indy and Theo I can’t believe that he is. “You make me crazy, so it’s a good thing I’m on them, or I would probably kick your ass tonight.”
“Indy, I wouldn’t ask if—”
My heart sinks. Wishes and dreams don’t come true. Heartbreak doesn’t end until it’s ready to. Gray’s love for Indy was always so strong, I’ve been fooling myself thinking it could be any other way.
“Shit.” He looks shell shocked. “I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t worry. I’ll handle Everett,” I say coolly. “He’ll have no reason not to sign with you. It’s what Everett wants anyway.”
“Thank you.” He pushes his hands into his pockets, his shoulders hunched around his ears.
“But this…” I point between us. “Tonight. You and me… it’s over.”
“America.” He glances over his shoulder as a car trundles down the street. “Please.”
“No, Gray. I mean it.” I start to shut the door in his face.
He reaches out and grabs it, holding it ajar. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“We’ll still be friends, won’t we?”
“I don’t think so.” My heart is breaking. “A friend wouldn’t ask me to do what you just did. A friend wouldn’t let someone hurt me like you just did. You want me to make sure Everett signs, I will. I’ll be a good WAG and get my man to sign on the dotted line.”
“You’re not his—”
I shut the door and rest against the panel. Start to rock as my emotions bubble to the surface.
“Don’t date him, Rica.” His voice makes it to me through the thick wood. “I won’t be able to bear it.”
His brother, Asaf, glances over his shoulder and gives me a little wave too. “Hungry, beautiful lady?”
“You know it.” I walk up to the counter. “It’s been a long evening.”
“Coming from the club?” Emmad checks out my outfit—that’s mostly Gray’s sweatshirt—and going out heels. “Fun night?”
“So much fun.” I smile up at Gray when he rests his hand on my ass possessively, before scanning the boards on the back wall. “I need two mixed kebabs with extra garlic sauce. Oh and some of your scrummy garlic potatoes. And a couple Fanta.”
“It’s on me.” Gray pulls his wallet out and pays for our meal.
“Your boyfriend?” Emmad asks as Asaf slices meat from the vertical spit.
Gray, my boyfriend? Wouldn’t that be something? But I can’t think about that without thinking about Indy, and it’s a quick spiral down from there that I’d rather not let ruin my night. “We’ll see.”
“You look good together. This one is much better than that other one.” Emmad scoops servings of potato to go with our kebabs.
“Other one?” Gray asks. “Mann?”
“My professor,” I say awkwardly.
“He was too old for you,” Emmad continues, oblivious to the fact that there’s a six year age difference between me and Gray.
It’s a lot less than I had with Alfie, who was in his forties. It’s not much at all, until you factor in that I’m still formulating who I want to be while Gray knows exactly who he is.
I roll my eyes at Emmad. “I know.”
“He was too stuffy. Rude.” He turns to Gray. “She’s a queen. You treat her like one. Or you’ll have Türk mafyası to contend with.”
“Çok teşekkürler.” I beam at Emmad as I press on tiptoes to kiss Gray’s cheek. “But you don’t have to worry about this one.”
“I hope that was something nice,” Gray says.
“I just expressed my gratitude at him threatening to send the Turkish mafia after you if you hurt me.” Grinning, I pick up our food and leave him slack-jawed at the counter.
He catches up to me as I place it on one of the small tables set out for customers. “Hang on. Are you serious? Your kebab guys are connected to the mafia?”
“I have no idea.” I shrug as I sit down and tear off the lid on the garlic potatoes. Digging into them, I fork a huge bite into my mouth. “So you better not hurt me. Just in case.”
“You’re a mess.” He leans across the table and wipes away a little of the creamy sauce that stuck to my lip while I mumbled with my mouth full. “But I’ll make you a deal. I’ll be careful with you, and you will be careful with me.”
“Deal.”
He sits back and rips the wrapping from his kebab before taking a bite. The juice from the meat and the tangy sauce dribbles down his chin. “Shit.”
“Who’s the mess now?” I grin from ear to ear.
“Funny.” Grabbing a napkin he wipes his mouth, his eyes filled with warmth.
Relaxed Gray hasn’t been around in a while. I missed him. It’s good to see him not so serious. Not so burdened.
“So you brought your creep of a professor here?” He stretches his legs out under the table, his feet close enough that our ankles touch while we eat.
“Just once.” I pick up my drink and try to twist the cap off the bottle. “Our one and only time we spent time together outside of his office.”
He’d wanted to see what my life was like. It sucks that the ghost of his presence is tarnishing one of my favorite eateries.
“And yet he found you today?” Gray asks.
“Silks is close to his favorite book shop. We crossed paths a few times.” Damn, so many regrets tied up in my time with that man. In hoping the connection we shared in our common interest in languages could be more. Letting him make me feel special. “I knew he wasn’t going to be anything serious, but it felt nice to have someone with similar interests to talk to.”
“Talk to?” He raises one brow.
“One thing led to another.” I’m still not quite sure how. “Talking turned into flirting which turned into making out in his office.”
Getting on my knees because he asked nicely. He was the only person I’d connected to outside of Dove since I moved here. I convinced myself that dating him was a good idea. Or at least not the worst idea.
It was better than him being cold with me.
The idea of being on the outside makes me panicky. My hands grow clammy even now, and it’s been four months since I walked away. “As humiliated as the whole experience ended up being I was almost glad when I found out he was married. I can’t date a man with a wife. That’s black and white to me. Meeting his wife was the push that I needed to distance myself.”
“Here.” He holds out his hand and when I pass the bottle, he pops that lid off with one twist.
“Thanks.” My stomach flips but the panic subsides. He probably doesn’t even realize that something so small makes me feel taken care of. I sip at the orange soda. “You still don’t want to tell me that I’m a dumbass?”
“I want to report the guy to the university board. They and his wife should be made aware of his behavior. That way even if he keeps his job, he’ll be forced to pay for it on a personal level. But it’s your decision, Rica. You tell me what you want to do, and I will support you.” He picks up my hand and presses his lips against the back of my knuckles. “You know I will.”
“Well, actually…” I don’t mean to drop him in it, but he did give me the perfect opportunity. “I’ve decided to withdraw from my classes.”
“You have?” A shadow flickers in his eyes. His jaw bulges, but he lets whatever causes the tension —disappointment, anger?—go quickly.
“I don’t know what my future looks like.” Bunching my hands around the hem of the sweatshirt I’m wearing, I tug it down my legs a little more. Do I continue working at the coffee shop? Go home? Try to finish my doctorate? Or something else entirely. “But I have to go in and sign the paperwork. Make it official.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“Would you? I don’t think he’ll try to approach me if you’re with me.” My desire to not have to face him has made me put off unenrolling long enough.
“When do you want to go?”
“Sometime next week. The sooner the better, probably.”
“Then we’ll go Monday. And if you want to stop by his wife’s office and let her know why you’re pulling out, I’ll be right there with you for that too.”
Am I a terrible person for wanting to call Indy and thank her for letting go of him so that I could have this time with him? Probably. It’s not something I will do because it would cause her pain. But I am grateful to her because he is everything I have wanted for so long.
When we are done eating Gray scoops up the trash and tosses it. He wraps his arm around me as we hit the pavement.
It’s super late now and as much as the idea of going back to Gray’s bed sounds like heaven… “I should head home.”
He drives me back to my little flat. He seems awkward and fidgety as we sit out front in his warm car. “Do you want me to—”
“I don’t think so.” I purse my lips. “I need to talk to Everett in the morning. Tell him…”
Gray’s thumb starts to tick against the steering wheel. His upper lip twitches into a sneer. It’s almost as if something smells rotten, but there’s only my perfume and his cologne.
I wrinkle my nose. “What?”
“I don’t want to be this guy.”
“What guy?” My heart sinks. It was nice while it lasted.
He reaches across the gear stick and covers my hand while he swallows uncomfortably. “The one that asks you not to break up with him until I’ve signed him.”
I twist in my seat. “What the—”
“I need to sign him.”
“I know.” I unclip my seatbelt and climb out of the car.
“No, you don’t know.” He jumps out and makes eye contact with me over the roof of the vehicle. “I have to sign Everett Mann. If I don’t, I’ll lose my job.”
That doesn’t make sense. Gray was the MVP of the agency for years. He singlehandedly brought in a dozen superstar athletes. He has awards. He showed them off behind his desk. I saw them when I stopped in with Indy a few times. Surely this can’t be right. “But you have Bryce Manilow and Mikey Valance and—”
“All-Star has Manilow and Valance.” His voice rises and becomes strained. “I lost them when I went off the rails. I’m on probation. If Mann doesn’t sign, I don’t have a job. I barely survived Indy leaving me. My job is the one thing I have left. That I’m good at. If they fire me, I’ll have nothing left. Believe me if there were any other way—”
I don’t even factor. Of course I don’t. Because what we have isn’t emotional. For him. I cover my face with both my hands. “This is what I get for screwing my best friend’s ex. For sneaking around with you. I’m a terrible person. You’re asking me to be a cheater?”
“You’re not.” Coming around the car, he peels my hands from my face. Wraps an arm around my shoulders and buries his face in my hair. “You’re not his girlfriend. He’s a flavor of the week kind of guy.”
“Now wait a minute.” I push him away. “Just because we don’t have a future, doesn’t mean that Everett doesn’t want one with me. You keep insisting he’s a player—”
“Because he is,” he crosses his arms over his chest.
“Well, I don’t see him that way.” Sure, he’s friendly when women come up to talk to him. He’s flirty as he gives out autographs and lets them take selfies. But being friendly is part of his job. It’s not sleazy or bad like Gray is making out.
I was the one who suggested we keep our relationship on the downlow. “He doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.”
“You’re not cheating on him,” he says, hard and clipped.
“Feels like it.” I laugh. It’s a little unhinged. “Which is why I can’t believe you, of all people, are asking me to do this.”
“I’m not asking you to string him along. Or be his girlfriend. Just don’t tell him that you don’t want to see him anymore yet. Give me time to work out how to handle this.”
“You’re asking me to lie to him.” I press my fingers to my temple. This is crazy. Getting caught up in him is crazy. I shake my head, knowing if I could go back to Positano and avoid the first night we spent together I would still do everything exactly the same way.
“I just need a few more days. A week at most.” He follows me up the garden path to my front door. “He’ll sign. Especially if you encourage him.”
“This isn’t okay, Gray. It isn’t fair.” I can’t seem to find my keys. And I’m already running scripts in my head of the conversation I’ll need to have with Everett tomorrow. Already certain that I will not betray Gray no matter how mad I am at him.
“I need this job, Rica. And he’ll be over you in no time.”
Ouch. I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Really? You want to insult me right now?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“He’s the one who wanted me to be his girlfriend.” I resume the hunt for my keys. Seriously, this bag isn't a Mary Poppins carpet bag. It’s tiny. I have ChapStick and loose change and my ID in here. Where are they? “Not you. Him.”
“America, please—”
“I need my meds upped to deal with you.” Ah, there they are. I yank the keys out of my clutch.
“Meds?” Gray’s baby blues grow concerned as I unlock and open the door.
“Things haven’t been great since… that thing we don’t talk about,” I admit. “I don’t know why. I have nothing to complain about. But the doc thinks I’m mildly depressed so I’m on mood stabilizers.”
He wraps an arm around my waist and holds my back to his chest. His chin rests in my hair. “Your best friend was dying. It was traumatic and painful and there was nothing you could do. You have every reason not to be okay.”
“Do I?” When she was the one that was dying. And he’s the one who had his heart shattered.
I’m so glad that she didn’t die. I’m so grateful every single time I get to pick up the phone and hear her voice. But that makes it feel like I should just be happy. Not guilty for being sad. Or feeling isolated and lonely. Or doing something that will hurt her. Like sleeping with Gray.
“Yes, Rica.” He drags in a big breath. His chest deflates against my back. The warmth of it surges over my scalp. “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
I want to relax into his arms and never leave them. I want to let him carry the heaviness in my heart. He said he would learn to deal with hearing about her for me.
Apparently, all I have to do is lie to Everett. Hurt him. But I can’t do that anymore than I can let Gray down. I can’t be the reason people I care about aren’t happy. I would rather be the collateral damage than hurt either of them. Everett means something to me too.
What Gray is asking is too much. After what happened with Indy and Theo I can’t believe that he is. “You make me crazy, so it’s a good thing I’m on them, or I would probably kick your ass tonight.”
“Indy, I wouldn’t ask if—”
My heart sinks. Wishes and dreams don’t come true. Heartbreak doesn’t end until it’s ready to. Gray’s love for Indy was always so strong, I’ve been fooling myself thinking it could be any other way.
“Shit.” He looks shell shocked. “I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t worry. I’ll handle Everett,” I say coolly. “He’ll have no reason not to sign with you. It’s what Everett wants anyway.”
“Thank you.” He pushes his hands into his pockets, his shoulders hunched around his ears.
“But this…” I point between us. “Tonight. You and me… it’s over.”
“America.” He glances over his shoulder as a car trundles down the street. “Please.”
“No, Gray. I mean it.” I start to shut the door in his face.
He reaches out and grabs it, holding it ajar. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“We’ll still be friends, won’t we?”
“I don’t think so.” My heart is breaking. “A friend wouldn’t ask me to do what you just did. A friend wouldn’t let someone hurt me like you just did. You want me to make sure Everett signs, I will. I’ll be a good WAG and get my man to sign on the dotted line.”
“You’re not his—”
I shut the door and rest against the panel. Start to rock as my emotions bubble to the surface.
“Don’t date him, Rica.” His voice makes it to me through the thick wood. “I won’t be able to bear it.”