Chapter Twenty - America
“We’re heading to the Dells for a week.” Indy bounces around in her living room while I shove the last spoonful of oatmeal into my mouth and place the bowl in the sink.
Everett will be here any minute, and I still need to pour my coffee and find my keys. Work out what I’m going to say to him when he asks me to be his girlfriend again. If he asks me. After meeting his mom maybe that’s not something I need to worry about anymore.
“America?” Indy raises her voice. “Are you listening to me?”
“Huh? Of course I am.” Where did I put my keys last night after Gray made it clear we were nothing and then insulted me for good measure? Oh, right, there they are on the side table. “What were we talking about?”
“The Dells.” Indy’s eyes are lit up. “The waterslide park. The trip we were going to take right before I had surgery.”
“Yeah. Of course.” I scoop up my knitted cap from between a couple cushions on the sofa and pull it down over my hair. A yawn takes over my face, making my eyes water.
“You’re like a zombie this morning.” Indy’s tone turns curious. “And it’s almost ten over there. You were with him, weren’t you? Doing the sex things.”
The things Gray did to me would make Indy blush.
“Oh my God, you were.” Her eyes grow larger, the sparkle in them even brighter. She is as excited about my mystery man as she is about her remission party. Perhaps even more so. “Tell me all the details. Leave nothing out.”
I doubt she’d be anywhere near this excited if she knew about Gray.
The oatmeal in my belly sours. It was his begging me to keep seeing Everett that had me tossing and turning until dawn.
How could he do that when it was Indy’s seeing Theo that broke his heart? Unless there’s no chance he could ever feel about me the way I do about him.
“I remember the trip.” I pick up my travel mug from the counter. “How could I forget you fainting and scaring the absolute crap out of me? We thought you weren’t going to make it through the next hour.”
It’s not the kind of thing one ever forgets.
“Well, this time I won’t faint.” She sticks her tongue out at me. “I’m healthy. It’s been a year. We’re going to celebrate. You, me, Theo. EJ and my parents. Oh, and Theo’s sister and his parents. You can bring him too. Your he that has you so tired, you can’t stop yawning.”
“I’m switching you to phone,” I say, and cancel the video so she can’t read my emotions on my face.
“I just want to know who he is. Are you really not dating that soccer player you were spotted with? He’s hot, by the way.”
“Maybe there’s a chance that I’ve been dating a hot, famous soccer player.” On the stoop, I lock up behind me.
“I thought so,” she crows.
“But I’m not ready to talk about it, okay? It’s kind of complicated.” That would be an understatement. The next time I talk to my girl I’ll almost certainly be confirmed single for life.
“Fine, well, uncomplicate it and bring him. Bring him. Bring him. Did I say you should bring him? Because you should bring him.”
“You can’t always get your way.” I certainly can’t or Gray wouldn’t have asked me to string Everett along. I would be tucked up in his arms instead. He admitted he hated seeing me with the soccer player last night, admitted he wants me, but he wants his job more. I always end up in second place with him.
“I know that.” She grows sullen. “You know I know that.”
“Gray won’t—” I slam my lips shut, my heart racing. I almost just outed myself. A pang of guilt stabs me in the chest, and I rub it.
“Won’t come. I know.” She sighs. “And that’s okay. I don’t regret my life with Theo. I only regret that I hurt Gray and we’re not friends anymore. I guess that’s normal though. Most people don’t stay friends with their exes. Even if they’ve known them for their entire lives.”
“No, they don’t.” What else did she expect would happen? He was like an older brother to her for years before they got together, but that doesn’t subtract from the fact that she broke his heart.
What else did I expect would happen? Getting involved with Gray when he’s still not over her… I take a steadying breath and turn to face Everett as he climbs out of his ride. Rejection hurts, no matter the motive behind it. But it’s better to tell someone when there’s no hope than to string them along.
I wish I could tell him. But Gray will lose his job, and Everett will lose an agent that will do everything in his power to get him whatever he wants. Everett deserves so much more.
“I’ve accepted it,” she says, as Everett hops the curb in blue jeans and a camo jacket. A gray T-shirt is stretched out over his carved physique. “I’m not going to spend any more time wishing things were different. I’m sorry that our breakup impacts your friendship too. But I’m going to the waterpark. You’re coming. Right?”
“Do I have a choice?” I chuckle even though I don’t feel happy. She sounds so excited.
“Ready?” Everett’s all smiles this morning. The stress from yesterday’s events has melted away.
“You look happy. How’s your pops?”
“Better.” He smells like a million dollars as he leans in to press his lips to my cheek. His fingers cup the curve of my butt and squeeze affectionately. “Grumpy but behaving himself.”
“Is that him?” Indy’s voice brightens. “Put him on the phone so I can say hi.”
Oh crap. I forgot I was still on the phone.
“I don’t think so.” I roll my eyes. Shake my head when she starts hollering for his attention and he puts his hand out for the device. There’s no point encouraging either of them.
“Party pooper.” She lets out a disappointed breath. “At least invite him to the waterpark.”
“I’ve got to go.” And tell a sweet man that I won’t see him anymore. Hurt him. Lie to him if he asks for specifics. I told Gray I wouldn’t, but I can’t do that to Everett. He’s been good to me. And I care about him. I can only try to keep Gray’s name out of it.
“I’ll send you the details,” she tells me before I can hang up.
“Indy?” He wraps his arms around me and brings me in for a hug. He really does smell ridiculously good.
His hug is so tight that I start to soften. “Yeah. She’s planning some trip for the summer. We’re going to the Dells. It’s in Wisconsin. It has all these awesome waterparks.”
“I love waterparks, Lucky Charm. And I would love to meet your fam, and friends.”
They would love him. His energy, and his affection for me. I wish I felt the same. I had hoped I would, with time. It would have made everything so much easier. I extricate myself from his arms, wrapping my own around my waist.
I can’t chicken out again. “We should talk.”
“Right. Okay. I knew this was coming.” He joins me when I take a seat on the stoop. “You heard what my mom said when you walked out yesterday.”
I brush an imaginary crease from my pants, then do it again. And again. “I did, but—”
“It’s not how it sounded.” He clasps my hand, forcing me still. He holds it in his lap. “You have to believe me. It’s not because you’re black.”
“No?” That’s good. That’s something. “Just a slutty tart then?”
He laughs, until he notices the look on my face. He grows serious. “My mom doesn’t think you’re a… slutty tart.”
“Then what?” Because she definitely thought something with the way she kept looking at me. Not that it matters. It doesn’t change anything. But I want to know.
His eyes are full of sincerity. “I have never taken a girl to meet my mom.”
“Never?” Surely in high school or--
“No.” He smiles again as he leans in and brushes my hair over my shoulder so that he can bring his lips to my ear. “Not ever. You’re special to me, Lucky Charm.”
My heart squeezes, and I feel sick. How much easier would it be if I could love him instead of Gray? If I could just stop, let this decade old crush go. Stop believing that under all the pain and mess and confusion there’s a man worth fighting for. Someone worth risking my heart on. But even if I could… even if I tried… there’s no way Everett will want to be with me once I tell him that I’ve been seeing another man at the same time I’ve been dating him.
“I don’t have a good track record,” he says. “Your friend Gray probably told you that. If not, he should have.”
“He may have said something.” I steal my hand away.
“He’s a good friend to watch out for you.”
Everett wouldn’t be saying that if he knew how I spent last night while he was making sure his was pops was okay.
“I’ve had a lot of short term relationships with the kind of girls who look at me and see expensive gifts and posh restaurants, or their fifteen minutes of fame on the arm of a footballer.” He clasps his hands together between his knees. “We’d have a good time together, but it wouldn’t last. They’d get bored as quickly as I would. They’d move on to a teammate or another player, and it didn’t really bother me. Those girls didn’t need to meet my mom.”
“Makes sense,” I say.
“I don’t mind that you met her, even if the circumstances weren’t great and I did a terrible job of introducing you. You’re different. You didn’t even know I played football. And it took me weeks to convince you to go out with me. Even longer to get you to go anywhere in public with me.”
He bumps my shoulder. “But hopefully now you’ll let me call you my girlfriend. How about it, Lucky Charm? You want to be my WAG?”
“Everett, I—”
Beside me, my phone starts to ring. It’s an unknown number, but my gut tells me to pick it up. Either that, or I’m a coward. Looking into Everett’s eyes, I know the answer. I’m definitely a coward. Can’t tell my parents about school. Can’t tell Indy about Gray. Can’t face my professor. And now I pick up my phone and place it to my ear instead of telling Everett… I don’t know what I’m going to tell him.
I swallow. “Hello?”
“Thank god you answered. I thought I was going to be stuck out here, wherever here is, for who knows how long.” Dove sniffles on the other end of the line.
Instantly my hackles rise. “Where are you?”
“I’m not entirely sure. There’s nothing but pasture.” She sounds so small and tired. Her teeth chatter and she sniffles again. She’s either been crying or is still crying. “I broke my shoe, and my bags are still in Nathan’s car. I don’t have my wallet or a phone charger or a jacket. I’m fucking freezing.”
“He did not kick you out of the car and leave you to walk.” I leap to my feet.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says.
“The hell it doesn’t matter.” Nathan is such an asshole.
“It was my fault.” Her tone is defeated. “I started it.”
“Does she have enough battery to drop you a pin?” Everett asks as he grips my upper arms supportively, having stood too. “Or is there anything around her? Signage? Buildings?”
She must have heard him because she says, “Doing it now.”
Two seconds later a location drops into my Google Maps, and I show it to him. He takes my phone and moves the map around before handing it back. “Too easy. I’ll drive. We’ll be there in an hour and a half.”
“An hour and a half?” Nathan is such a prick.
“I’ll drive fast,” he says as we pile into his car. “Tell her there’s a town about thirty minutes’ walk from where she is. There should be somewhere she can wait out of the rain.”
“It’s not raining,” she says when I put her on speaker.
“No. Not yet,” he says as we pull out. “But it’s supposed to.”
“All right. I’ll hoof it,” she says and goes quiet for a long moment. “I’m sorry to ask you to do this. I didn’t know who else to call. And there’s been no cars all night. Which I suppose I should almost be grateful for. If the media sees me like this it will only make things worse.”
“I’m glad you called me.” Nathan should be the one who’s worried. After this she must be ready to be done with him. “We’re on our way.”
“Hey, Dove, turn your phone off and turn it back on in an hour,” Everett says. “We’ll be almost there by then. That should make it easier to find you.”
“I’ll see you then.” She hangs up.
I drop my phone to my lap. Nathan is such an asshole. I hate him so much for treating her like this.
Everett covers my hands with his. “She’s fine. We’re on our way now.”
Everett will be here any minute, and I still need to pour my coffee and find my keys. Work out what I’m going to say to him when he asks me to be his girlfriend again. If he asks me. After meeting his mom maybe that’s not something I need to worry about anymore.
“America?” Indy raises her voice. “Are you listening to me?”
“Huh? Of course I am.” Where did I put my keys last night after Gray made it clear we were nothing and then insulted me for good measure? Oh, right, there they are on the side table. “What were we talking about?”
“The Dells.” Indy’s eyes are lit up. “The waterslide park. The trip we were going to take right before I had surgery.”
“Yeah. Of course.” I scoop up my knitted cap from between a couple cushions on the sofa and pull it down over my hair. A yawn takes over my face, making my eyes water.
“You’re like a zombie this morning.” Indy’s tone turns curious. “And it’s almost ten over there. You were with him, weren’t you? Doing the sex things.”
The things Gray did to me would make Indy blush.
“Oh my God, you were.” Her eyes grow larger, the sparkle in them even brighter. She is as excited about my mystery man as she is about her remission party. Perhaps even more so. “Tell me all the details. Leave nothing out.”
I doubt she’d be anywhere near this excited if she knew about Gray.
The oatmeal in my belly sours. It was his begging me to keep seeing Everett that had me tossing and turning until dawn.
How could he do that when it was Indy’s seeing Theo that broke his heart? Unless there’s no chance he could ever feel about me the way I do about him.
“I remember the trip.” I pick up my travel mug from the counter. “How could I forget you fainting and scaring the absolute crap out of me? We thought you weren’t going to make it through the next hour.”
It’s not the kind of thing one ever forgets.
“Well, this time I won’t faint.” She sticks her tongue out at me. “I’m healthy. It’s been a year. We’re going to celebrate. You, me, Theo. EJ and my parents. Oh, and Theo’s sister and his parents. You can bring him too. Your he that has you so tired, you can’t stop yawning.”
“I’m switching you to phone,” I say, and cancel the video so she can’t read my emotions on my face.
“I just want to know who he is. Are you really not dating that soccer player you were spotted with? He’s hot, by the way.”
“Maybe there’s a chance that I’ve been dating a hot, famous soccer player.” On the stoop, I lock up behind me.
“I thought so,” she crows.
“But I’m not ready to talk about it, okay? It’s kind of complicated.” That would be an understatement. The next time I talk to my girl I’ll almost certainly be confirmed single for life.
“Fine, well, uncomplicate it and bring him. Bring him. Bring him. Did I say you should bring him? Because you should bring him.”
“You can’t always get your way.” I certainly can’t or Gray wouldn’t have asked me to string Everett along. I would be tucked up in his arms instead. He admitted he hated seeing me with the soccer player last night, admitted he wants me, but he wants his job more. I always end up in second place with him.
“I know that.” She grows sullen. “You know I know that.”
“Gray won’t—” I slam my lips shut, my heart racing. I almost just outed myself. A pang of guilt stabs me in the chest, and I rub it.
“Won’t come. I know.” She sighs. “And that’s okay. I don’t regret my life with Theo. I only regret that I hurt Gray and we’re not friends anymore. I guess that’s normal though. Most people don’t stay friends with their exes. Even if they’ve known them for their entire lives.”
“No, they don’t.” What else did she expect would happen? He was like an older brother to her for years before they got together, but that doesn’t subtract from the fact that she broke his heart.
What else did I expect would happen? Getting involved with Gray when he’s still not over her… I take a steadying breath and turn to face Everett as he climbs out of his ride. Rejection hurts, no matter the motive behind it. But it’s better to tell someone when there’s no hope than to string them along.
I wish I could tell him. But Gray will lose his job, and Everett will lose an agent that will do everything in his power to get him whatever he wants. Everett deserves so much more.
“I’ve accepted it,” she says, as Everett hops the curb in blue jeans and a camo jacket. A gray T-shirt is stretched out over his carved physique. “I’m not going to spend any more time wishing things were different. I’m sorry that our breakup impacts your friendship too. But I’m going to the waterpark. You’re coming. Right?”
“Do I have a choice?” I chuckle even though I don’t feel happy. She sounds so excited.
“Ready?” Everett’s all smiles this morning. The stress from yesterday’s events has melted away.
“You look happy. How’s your pops?”
“Better.” He smells like a million dollars as he leans in to press his lips to my cheek. His fingers cup the curve of my butt and squeeze affectionately. “Grumpy but behaving himself.”
“Is that him?” Indy’s voice brightens. “Put him on the phone so I can say hi.”
Oh crap. I forgot I was still on the phone.
“I don’t think so.” I roll my eyes. Shake my head when she starts hollering for his attention and he puts his hand out for the device. There’s no point encouraging either of them.
“Party pooper.” She lets out a disappointed breath. “At least invite him to the waterpark.”
“I’ve got to go.” And tell a sweet man that I won’t see him anymore. Hurt him. Lie to him if he asks for specifics. I told Gray I wouldn’t, but I can’t do that to Everett. He’s been good to me. And I care about him. I can only try to keep Gray’s name out of it.
“I’ll send you the details,” she tells me before I can hang up.
“Indy?” He wraps his arms around me and brings me in for a hug. He really does smell ridiculously good.
His hug is so tight that I start to soften. “Yeah. She’s planning some trip for the summer. We’re going to the Dells. It’s in Wisconsin. It has all these awesome waterparks.”
“I love waterparks, Lucky Charm. And I would love to meet your fam, and friends.”
They would love him. His energy, and his affection for me. I wish I felt the same. I had hoped I would, with time. It would have made everything so much easier. I extricate myself from his arms, wrapping my own around my waist.
I can’t chicken out again. “We should talk.”
“Right. Okay. I knew this was coming.” He joins me when I take a seat on the stoop. “You heard what my mom said when you walked out yesterday.”
I brush an imaginary crease from my pants, then do it again. And again. “I did, but—”
“It’s not how it sounded.” He clasps my hand, forcing me still. He holds it in his lap. “You have to believe me. It’s not because you’re black.”
“No?” That’s good. That’s something. “Just a slutty tart then?”
He laughs, until he notices the look on my face. He grows serious. “My mom doesn’t think you’re a… slutty tart.”
“Then what?” Because she definitely thought something with the way she kept looking at me. Not that it matters. It doesn’t change anything. But I want to know.
His eyes are full of sincerity. “I have never taken a girl to meet my mom.”
“Never?” Surely in high school or--
“No.” He smiles again as he leans in and brushes my hair over my shoulder so that he can bring his lips to my ear. “Not ever. You’re special to me, Lucky Charm.”
My heart squeezes, and I feel sick. How much easier would it be if I could love him instead of Gray? If I could just stop, let this decade old crush go. Stop believing that under all the pain and mess and confusion there’s a man worth fighting for. Someone worth risking my heart on. But even if I could… even if I tried… there’s no way Everett will want to be with me once I tell him that I’ve been seeing another man at the same time I’ve been dating him.
“I don’t have a good track record,” he says. “Your friend Gray probably told you that. If not, he should have.”
“He may have said something.” I steal my hand away.
“He’s a good friend to watch out for you.”
Everett wouldn’t be saying that if he knew how I spent last night while he was making sure his was pops was okay.
“I’ve had a lot of short term relationships with the kind of girls who look at me and see expensive gifts and posh restaurants, or their fifteen minutes of fame on the arm of a footballer.” He clasps his hands together between his knees. “We’d have a good time together, but it wouldn’t last. They’d get bored as quickly as I would. They’d move on to a teammate or another player, and it didn’t really bother me. Those girls didn’t need to meet my mom.”
“Makes sense,” I say.
“I don’t mind that you met her, even if the circumstances weren’t great and I did a terrible job of introducing you. You’re different. You didn’t even know I played football. And it took me weeks to convince you to go out with me. Even longer to get you to go anywhere in public with me.”
He bumps my shoulder. “But hopefully now you’ll let me call you my girlfriend. How about it, Lucky Charm? You want to be my WAG?”
“Everett, I—”
Beside me, my phone starts to ring. It’s an unknown number, but my gut tells me to pick it up. Either that, or I’m a coward. Looking into Everett’s eyes, I know the answer. I’m definitely a coward. Can’t tell my parents about school. Can’t tell Indy about Gray. Can’t face my professor. And now I pick up my phone and place it to my ear instead of telling Everett… I don’t know what I’m going to tell him.
I swallow. “Hello?”
“Thank god you answered. I thought I was going to be stuck out here, wherever here is, for who knows how long.” Dove sniffles on the other end of the line.
Instantly my hackles rise. “Where are you?”
“I’m not entirely sure. There’s nothing but pasture.” She sounds so small and tired. Her teeth chatter and she sniffles again. She’s either been crying or is still crying. “I broke my shoe, and my bags are still in Nathan’s car. I don’t have my wallet or a phone charger or a jacket. I’m fucking freezing.”
“He did not kick you out of the car and leave you to walk.” I leap to my feet.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says.
“The hell it doesn’t matter.” Nathan is such an asshole.
“It was my fault.” Her tone is defeated. “I started it.”
“Does she have enough battery to drop you a pin?” Everett asks as he grips my upper arms supportively, having stood too. “Or is there anything around her? Signage? Buildings?”
She must have heard him because she says, “Doing it now.”
Two seconds later a location drops into my Google Maps, and I show it to him. He takes my phone and moves the map around before handing it back. “Too easy. I’ll drive. We’ll be there in an hour and a half.”
“An hour and a half?” Nathan is such a prick.
“I’ll drive fast,” he says as we pile into his car. “Tell her there’s a town about thirty minutes’ walk from where she is. There should be somewhere she can wait out of the rain.”
“It’s not raining,” she says when I put her on speaker.
“No. Not yet,” he says as we pull out. “But it’s supposed to.”
“All right. I’ll hoof it,” she says and goes quiet for a long moment. “I’m sorry to ask you to do this. I didn’t know who else to call. And there’s been no cars all night. Which I suppose I should almost be grateful for. If the media sees me like this it will only make things worse.”
“I’m glad you called me.” Nathan should be the one who’s worried. After this she must be ready to be done with him. “We’re on our way.”
“Hey, Dove, turn your phone off and turn it back on in an hour,” Everett says. “We’ll be almost there by then. That should make it easier to find you.”
“I’ll see you then.” She hangs up.
I drop my phone to my lap. Nathan is such an asshole. I hate him so much for treating her like this.
Everett covers my hands with his. “She’s fine. We’re on our way now.”
Chapter Twenty-One - America
The windshield wipers thunder across the glass as Dove crawls into the backseat of Everett’s car and crumples. She never made it to the town Everett mentioned. Probably because he overestimated her walking speed and the fact that she wasn’t wearing shoes.
Rain drips from her nose and the tips of her silver hair. Mascara runs down her face. A shoulder strap on her dress has been torn through and the material is sodden. She’s holding her broken heels in one hand.
The agitation and worry that had me squirming in my seat for the entire trip eases now that we’ve found her. It’s replaced with loathing for Nathan and concern about her state.
She shivers violently as she tosses the mud caked heels on the floor. “You guys are the best for coming to get me.”
Everett drags his jacket off. It’s thick and lined with fleece. He passes it back to her while making gentle eye contact with her. “Put this on.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes well as she pulls it around her shoulders and slides her arms into the sleeves. Drawing it tight around her, she sniffles. Exhaustion is etched on her face. She looks tiny hunched in his big jacket.
“No problem.” He adjusts the thermostat and blasts hot air into the cabin while I get out and climb into the back with her.
I cradle her in my arms as we get back on the road.
Her feet are covered in mud and bits of debris. I hate that she’s been out here all night, alone. “You all right? He didn’t… hurt you?”
“I’m so tired, babes.” She yawns and covers her mouth, but I catch the shadows in her eyes before she rests her head on my shoulder. “Can we do this later?”
“Let her sleep.” Everett reaches back between the seats to squeeze my knee before returning his hand to the steering wheel. “She’s exhausted, and he’ll still be an asshole when we get her home.”
She’s out in less than ten minutes.
A message comes through from Gray, and I ignore it like the others he’s sent this morning. I shut the device down now that I don’t need it to find Dove.
I’m an awful person for the way I’m treating Everett. Gray might have asked me to lie to Everett, but I agreed to it. I could have said no. I should have said no. But I didn’t. And now I don’t know what to do or say to fix this. Or anything in my life, really.
“Hey. Hey.” Everett catches my attention in the rearview mirror. “Don’t cry. We’ve got her. It’ll be okay.”
I didn’t even realize I was crying, but sure enough tears are dripping from my chin onto my sweater. I wipe them away with the back of my hand. “I am so sorry, Everett.”
He looks at me with confusion. “You don’t need to apologize for crying.”
“No. I do.” I need to bite the bullet and tell him how I feel.
“I don’t understand.”
“I really like you. I wish I could be your girlfriend, but I can’t.” I really do mean it. He’s a good man with a solid heart. I can see a version of my future that could have been with him. A version where I said yes to labelling us, and I didn’t fuck Gray in that bathroom that night.
One where my heart could have held two men, and maybe in time my feelings for Gray would have faded. I have made nothing but bad choices since he showed up. This thing with him… even though it’s over… I can’t let go of these feelings.
Which is why I hate that doing the right thing means jeopardizing his career. But I cannot be this duplicitous. I can’t.
“Sure you can. I know you’re wary but—”
“I have feelings for someone else,” I say quietly but forcefully.
“What are you saying?” I can see his frown in the rearview mirror. The car glides over the center line before he corrects it. “You’re dating someone else?”
“No.” Not exactly. Gray and I… it’s not going anywhere. It wouldn’t matter if he didn’t throw me under the bus for his career. Indy is my best friend. My family. I can’t imagine bringing Gray to the Dells for her remission anniversary and asking her to be okay with me dating him. I can’t imagine him not punching Theo in the face and being bitter to her for all the bad blood between them. “I’m not.”
“You took a long time to think about that.” He exhales heavily, his knuckles white around the steering wheel. “Do you want to date this other person?”
“No. I…It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me what it’s like,” he says. “You have feelings… but you don’t want to be with this guy?”
“I can’t be with him.” I slap my hand to my mouth, but it’s out there now.
“But you’d rather be with him than me.” He jerks his chin and swallows harshly.
“Does it matter? I can’t be with him. And I can’t keep seeing you. That isn’t fair to you when I’m so confused. When I can’t promise you what you want.”
Glaring out the window, he falls silent.
I stare out at the passing farmland for what feels like an eternity. The tears on my cheeks dry, but the ache in my chest doesn’t quit. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve the pain that I’ve inflicted.
“This guy you’re in love with...” he says eventually. “Does he know how you feel about him?”
“No.” Not entirely. Everett doesn’t need to know that Gray thinks it’s about sex. He has no clue that I’ve been in love with him forever.
“Has anything happened between the two of you since you’ve been seeing me?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Don’t tell me,” he says. “I don’t want the details.”
“I’m sorry.”
Again silence overcomes us. It’s only broken up by the radio and Dove snoring lightly for the rest of the trip.
The rain seems to have followed us home. It’s still coming down when Everett escorts us to our door. We’re all a little wet by the time we make it to the shelter of the portico.
He’s quiet and thoughtful, no doubt still chewing over everything we discussed. But I honestly expected him to drive away the minute we crawled out of the warm car, so there must still be more he wants to say.
“Thank you.” Dove takes off his jacket and hands it back. “I really appreciate everything, Everett.”
“Look after yourself,” he says when she kisses his cheek.
Giving me a look that indicates she may not have been asleep the entire time, she squeezes my shoulder before she disappears inside.
“Everett.” I hug my arms around my waist. I don’t know what to say to him. This is goodbye, but now that we’re here, I’m not ready for it to end. I don’t want this to be the last time I see him. “I really am sorry. You are such a great guy. I wish we could be friends.”
“You mean that?” His voice has a burr in it.
“Of course.” My eyes start to well again. If there was anyone who could help me forget Gray, it would be him.
He uses his thumb to wipe the underside of my eye. “It’s not enough. I want more of you.”
“I don’t know that I have it to give. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.” It was never my intention.
He leans his forehead against mine. His hand curves around the side of my neck. “Whatever happened, is it done? Or do you need to see where it goes?”
“It’s done. It’s so done.” It was over before it began. Gray was never mine. He’s not supposed to be mine. He will always be Indy’s. Indy’s boyfriend. Indy’s fiancé. Indy’s ex. Indy’s heartbreak. My mistake was in letting myself have hope. But last night he made it clear he was just one more in a long string of stupid moves I’ve made.
“I pushed you too hard, too fast,” he says.
“That’s not true.” My heart aches.
“Perhaps. But I should have listened to what you were saying. You told me the other night you weren’t ready.” He takes my hand and runs his thumb over my knuckles. “So I’m listening now. I don’t need the details. I just need you to give me a chance to help you forget him.”
“I…” I shake my head. If only it could be that simple. “What if I can’t?”
“I’m not afraid of the competition, Lucky Charm,” he consoles me. “I’m not scared to fight for what I want. I’m here. He isn’t. And from what you’ve said he’s not going to be. And even if he shows up, I don’t believe he’s the right man for you. Let me prove that to you.”
I want to put Gray behind me so badly. I want Everett to be right when he says he can help me forget. I’m so sick of loving someone who won’t and can’t love me back. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He smiles softly, his eyes softening for the first time since the car ride.
“Yes.”
He tips his head and brushes his lips over mine. I lean into him, opening to him when his tongue touches my lips. Letting my eyes flutter closed while he explores the soft crevices of my mouth. Tasting the salt of the tears I’ve cried.
I kiss him back while I let Gray go. Maybe it’ll take time to forget about him. Perhaps it will always hurt when I think about him. But I will no longer give in to this miserable hope I’ve had since he showed up here. Everett deserves everything, so that’s what he’ll get from me.
He breaks the kiss. His gaze drinks me in as he rubs his thumb across my lips. I smile for him though I think it’ll be a while before I can smile again without any sadness.
“I’m going to go,” he says. “As much as I’d rather stay, I think Dove might need you. But I’ll call you later, okay?”
I nod.
He starts for the steps without letting go of my hand. The move turns my whole body, and there on the garden path stands Gray.
The rain cascades down around him, but he doesn’t seem to notice that he’s soaked to the bone. Or that it drips from his hair into his eyes.
Which are plastered to me.
Rain drips from her nose and the tips of her silver hair. Mascara runs down her face. A shoulder strap on her dress has been torn through and the material is sodden. She’s holding her broken heels in one hand.
The agitation and worry that had me squirming in my seat for the entire trip eases now that we’ve found her. It’s replaced with loathing for Nathan and concern about her state.
She shivers violently as she tosses the mud caked heels on the floor. “You guys are the best for coming to get me.”
Everett drags his jacket off. It’s thick and lined with fleece. He passes it back to her while making gentle eye contact with her. “Put this on.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes well as she pulls it around her shoulders and slides her arms into the sleeves. Drawing it tight around her, she sniffles. Exhaustion is etched on her face. She looks tiny hunched in his big jacket.
“No problem.” He adjusts the thermostat and blasts hot air into the cabin while I get out and climb into the back with her.
I cradle her in my arms as we get back on the road.
Her feet are covered in mud and bits of debris. I hate that she’s been out here all night, alone. “You all right? He didn’t… hurt you?”
“I’m so tired, babes.” She yawns and covers her mouth, but I catch the shadows in her eyes before she rests her head on my shoulder. “Can we do this later?”
“Let her sleep.” Everett reaches back between the seats to squeeze my knee before returning his hand to the steering wheel. “She’s exhausted, and he’ll still be an asshole when we get her home.”
She’s out in less than ten minutes.
A message comes through from Gray, and I ignore it like the others he’s sent this morning. I shut the device down now that I don’t need it to find Dove.
I’m an awful person for the way I’m treating Everett. Gray might have asked me to lie to Everett, but I agreed to it. I could have said no. I should have said no. But I didn’t. And now I don’t know what to do or say to fix this. Or anything in my life, really.
“Hey. Hey.” Everett catches my attention in the rearview mirror. “Don’t cry. We’ve got her. It’ll be okay.”
I didn’t even realize I was crying, but sure enough tears are dripping from my chin onto my sweater. I wipe them away with the back of my hand. “I am so sorry, Everett.”
He looks at me with confusion. “You don’t need to apologize for crying.”
“No. I do.” I need to bite the bullet and tell him how I feel.
“I don’t understand.”
“I really like you. I wish I could be your girlfriend, but I can’t.” I really do mean it. He’s a good man with a solid heart. I can see a version of my future that could have been with him. A version where I said yes to labelling us, and I didn’t fuck Gray in that bathroom that night.
One where my heart could have held two men, and maybe in time my feelings for Gray would have faded. I have made nothing but bad choices since he showed up. This thing with him… even though it’s over… I can’t let go of these feelings.
Which is why I hate that doing the right thing means jeopardizing his career. But I cannot be this duplicitous. I can’t.
“Sure you can. I know you’re wary but—”
“I have feelings for someone else,” I say quietly but forcefully.
“What are you saying?” I can see his frown in the rearview mirror. The car glides over the center line before he corrects it. “You’re dating someone else?”
“No.” Not exactly. Gray and I… it’s not going anywhere. It wouldn’t matter if he didn’t throw me under the bus for his career. Indy is my best friend. My family. I can’t imagine bringing Gray to the Dells for her remission anniversary and asking her to be okay with me dating him. I can’t imagine him not punching Theo in the face and being bitter to her for all the bad blood between them. “I’m not.”
“You took a long time to think about that.” He exhales heavily, his knuckles white around the steering wheel. “Do you want to date this other person?”
“No. I…It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me what it’s like,” he says. “You have feelings… but you don’t want to be with this guy?”
“I can’t be with him.” I slap my hand to my mouth, but it’s out there now.
“But you’d rather be with him than me.” He jerks his chin and swallows harshly.
“Does it matter? I can’t be with him. And I can’t keep seeing you. That isn’t fair to you when I’m so confused. When I can’t promise you what you want.”
Glaring out the window, he falls silent.
I stare out at the passing farmland for what feels like an eternity. The tears on my cheeks dry, but the ache in my chest doesn’t quit. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve the pain that I’ve inflicted.
“This guy you’re in love with...” he says eventually. “Does he know how you feel about him?”
“No.” Not entirely. Everett doesn’t need to know that Gray thinks it’s about sex. He has no clue that I’ve been in love with him forever.
“Has anything happened between the two of you since you’ve been seeing me?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Don’t tell me,” he says. “I don’t want the details.”
“I’m sorry.”
Again silence overcomes us. It’s only broken up by the radio and Dove snoring lightly for the rest of the trip.
The rain seems to have followed us home. It’s still coming down when Everett escorts us to our door. We’re all a little wet by the time we make it to the shelter of the portico.
He’s quiet and thoughtful, no doubt still chewing over everything we discussed. But I honestly expected him to drive away the minute we crawled out of the warm car, so there must still be more he wants to say.
“Thank you.” Dove takes off his jacket and hands it back. “I really appreciate everything, Everett.”
“Look after yourself,” he says when she kisses his cheek.
Giving me a look that indicates she may not have been asleep the entire time, she squeezes my shoulder before she disappears inside.
“Everett.” I hug my arms around my waist. I don’t know what to say to him. This is goodbye, but now that we’re here, I’m not ready for it to end. I don’t want this to be the last time I see him. “I really am sorry. You are such a great guy. I wish we could be friends.”
“You mean that?” His voice has a burr in it.
“Of course.” My eyes start to well again. If there was anyone who could help me forget Gray, it would be him.
He uses his thumb to wipe the underside of my eye. “It’s not enough. I want more of you.”
“I don’t know that I have it to give. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.” It was never my intention.
He leans his forehead against mine. His hand curves around the side of my neck. “Whatever happened, is it done? Or do you need to see where it goes?”
“It’s done. It’s so done.” It was over before it began. Gray was never mine. He’s not supposed to be mine. He will always be Indy’s. Indy’s boyfriend. Indy’s fiancé. Indy’s ex. Indy’s heartbreak. My mistake was in letting myself have hope. But last night he made it clear he was just one more in a long string of stupid moves I’ve made.
“I pushed you too hard, too fast,” he says.
“That’s not true.” My heart aches.
“Perhaps. But I should have listened to what you were saying. You told me the other night you weren’t ready.” He takes my hand and runs his thumb over my knuckles. “So I’m listening now. I don’t need the details. I just need you to give me a chance to help you forget him.”
“I…” I shake my head. If only it could be that simple. “What if I can’t?”
“I’m not afraid of the competition, Lucky Charm,” he consoles me. “I’m not scared to fight for what I want. I’m here. He isn’t. And from what you’ve said he’s not going to be. And even if he shows up, I don’t believe he’s the right man for you. Let me prove that to you.”
I want to put Gray behind me so badly. I want Everett to be right when he says he can help me forget. I’m so sick of loving someone who won’t and can’t love me back. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He smiles softly, his eyes softening for the first time since the car ride.
“Yes.”
He tips his head and brushes his lips over mine. I lean into him, opening to him when his tongue touches my lips. Letting my eyes flutter closed while he explores the soft crevices of my mouth. Tasting the salt of the tears I’ve cried.
I kiss him back while I let Gray go. Maybe it’ll take time to forget about him. Perhaps it will always hurt when I think about him. But I will no longer give in to this miserable hope I’ve had since he showed up here. Everett deserves everything, so that’s what he’ll get from me.
He breaks the kiss. His gaze drinks me in as he rubs his thumb across my lips. I smile for him though I think it’ll be a while before I can smile again without any sadness.
“I’m going to go,” he says. “As much as I’d rather stay, I think Dove might need you. But I’ll call you later, okay?”
I nod.
He starts for the steps without letting go of my hand. The move turns my whole body, and there on the garden path stands Gray.
The rain cascades down around him, but he doesn’t seem to notice that he’s soaked to the bone. Or that it drips from his hair into his eyes.
Which are plastered to me.
Read chapter 22